Okay, so here I am, four hours before my first day of school starts, and I'm actually kind of nervous. I might sound like a huge lazy bum in this post, but bear with me, and I shall reveal all.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty sick to my stomach (maybe it's because I woke up at 3:30 in the morning with Chad. Go figure) but I think I have a hunch as to why.
Since we've gotten married, we've both had a decent amount of free time. We sit in our living room while Chad does his homework and joke around all day. Chad watches my annoying TV shows with me and pretends I'm not driving him crazy, and even gives his opinion on some dresses (say yes to the dress, of course). He's pretty good at making me feel not nutso.
Well, this morning, I opened up my eyes and realized, even though this is an exciting new part of both of our lives, things are changing. I'll be gone eight hours everyday, and not to mention one of those days is Saturday. The day we usually look forward to just because we have no obligations. We like that. We are lazy (mostly me, Chad is the one that works at 4 in the morning). But it actually hit me like a ton of bricks.
Things might never be the same.
Mostly in good ways, of course.
I'll have a lucrative education that I love. That's good!
But I also thought of more permanent changes. Like when school is all said and done, it might not be just us anymore. Hopefully by then, we might be so lucky as to have a new pair of little feets to wobble around our apartment.
I've been so anxious to get pregnant for a while now and it never really intimidated me until today (no, I'm not pregnant... yet!). Just the thought that I could start a year long program and end it with a baby Chad or Alex made everything seem so final. Like this is most definitely the last day that things will be the same.
But I'm okay with it. We may not get all of the free time we are used to, but I'm excited to learn to cherish the time we do have together. I'm excited to learn and to be productive everyday. To have responsibility.
I guess you could say it's practice of sorts... For when those little feets decide to join in on the fun.
So I guess I'm not nervous about school. I'm nervous that a lot can happen in a year. And I guess I hadn't thought much about that before. I just hope I am the kind of person who can handle it.
I hope I can start school and end it a better person than I am today. I hope I can be ready for anything. I hope I can be a better wife and support my husband more.
I hope I'll be good at what I do.
I hope that, when the time comes, I can be a good mother. I hope, when that time comes, that I can look into the eyes of our children and forever remember how desperately I hoped for them, and I hope I never forget that. I hope I never take my family for granted.
But no matter what happens, I hope I never take my husband for granted. My amazing husband who goes to work in the middle of the night for his family. Chad, who is so patient with me learning things that I should already know. Who married me even though I'm nowhere near as wonderful as him. He is truly the most amazing person I've ever met, and can you believe it, he's my husband!
My husband who told me that if it's my dream, I should go to school. Even though it's a financial hurdle. So here I am, following my dream. Thanks to my husband, who is always looking to make my life better. To make me better. And I thank him for that.
My apologies for the rant. Totally random I know, but believe it or not, that's actually how my brain works.
Okay. Here I come, school. Ready or not.
But excited either way.
But excited either way.
