Caleb is about 10 weeks old now. Time flies! He's so smart. He's gotten so good at holding his head up and cooing and smiling at me. He gives me butterflies every single time he gives off that big cheesy grin. His movements are still jerky, and he's still managing to give himself a good whack in the face, but he is learning, ever so carefully, to move more precisely and to shape his lips to make different sounds. He's learning, with a little help from the people who love him.
I was thinking the other day about when I had my temporary permit. I remember walking out of the DMV with my newly laminated beauty and thinking I held the key to freedom! Then, I distinctly remember asking my parents, "which ones the gas?"
You can imagine their concern.
But somehow they mustered up the courage to just let me take that first test drive. But suddenly I was terrified. I'd never driven a vehicle before! I could kill somebody! But with their encouragement, I made it home in one piece. I remember slowly learning the ropes. Having near run-ins with mailboxes. The jerky corrections when I was too far left or too far right. The issue I had with speed and forgetting how fast I was going until I hit 70 on a 55. Then one day, I felt it was almost second nature.
But I still had faults. I wasn't a perfect driver.
When I was 19 and a legal driver, I was leaving a parking lot after dark, speeding towards the exit. Out of nowhere, a dip in the road appeared, and I slammed on my brakes. The wet pavement gave no purchase, and I turned the wheel just in time to not hit a cement road block head on. I was flustered. Terrified. I never thought I'd be that person who wrecked a car! This couldn't be happening to me! I was invincible! Then it occurred to me...
This wasn't even my car.
It was my step mothers. My father had married her only months earlier, and she was one of the sweetest, kindest women I'd ever met. How could I tell her what I'd done to her car?
I began frantically crying. I jumped in the car and drove home, wobbly wheel and all. I began wondering if I could survive the coming night. I arrived home and ran in the house where my dad sat and yelled, "I wrecked the car!" with tears streaming down my face.
He stood up, took the keys, and stepped outside to take it for a drive. When he returned home, he told me it was totaled. I cried more. After he told Susan (my step mother), he told me I'd have to talk to her. I couldn't bear to do that! I was so ashamed! I wanted to go bury myself in my blankets and never come out again. I wanted it to be like it never happened, but the damage was done. When I finally confronted her, I was sobbing. Begging for her forgiveness. I was amazed at what happened.
She looked at me with a smile on her face and said, "it's okay, Alex. I was a teenager once, too."
I couldn't believe it. She then began to tell me all the unfortunate car mishaps she'd had in her life, none of which came even close to what I'd just done. And yet, she remained calm. Happy even. So forgiving. I've never forgotten that.
I've been thinking a lot about this with regard to the Plan of Salvation. I can see it now.
We are so blessed to receive bodies. We come to the Earth. We grow. We mature. We learn to walk and talk, we go to school.
But we all have our weaknesses.
I imagine Heavenly Father was reluctant to let us go, just as my parents were reluctant to let me drive in my completely inexperienced state. Much like I had to learn the basics of driving, we've had to come and learn to have and control a body with carnal impulses. The natural man. Some of us (all of us, at times), when we've tasted freedom, will let those impulses overpower us and take us down a road with nothing but wet pavement and a concrete roadblock at the end.
In that moment, we will see the error of our ways. We will know we are not invincible, and we will have a choice.
Do we hide in our blankets and try and pretend it never happened...
Or do we make it right?
I know that we are all children of the Almighty God. He loves us so much, and is trusting us to use the bodies he lovingly gave to us with respect and care. We cannot disrespect them and feel peace. But He, knowing that we would make mistakes, has given us His son, and through Christ, who loves us so much, we can become clean again. We can receive forgiveness if we are humble enough to ask for it. I know this to be true. And I bear witness of it in the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.
